“On the days when you are able to get out of bed and brush your teeth, you try to remember to pat yourself on the back. It’s the small victories, really.
On the mornings when you don’t wake up crying, lips already caressing his name, you remember to use your mouthwash. You remember to say your own name until it becomes a habit. Baby steps. Baby steps.
On the nights when your friends forget and bring him up, you keep your fists unclenched. You smile. You remember that he doesn’t belong to you. You remember to be proud of yourself. Your grandfather died almost 5 years ago, and your grandma still says “we” when she speaks. You are so terrified that he is going to be that painful for you, like a splinter that keeps growing every time you pull it out, even bigger, even redder around the wound.
Everyday is practice. Everyday is a test of habits. Brush your teeth. Wash your hair. Don’t forget to eat and drink water. Take the long way to class. Don’t pass the bench you two used to meet at, just to read all the graffiti. All the initials with hearts around them. Don’t cry today. Tomorrow, you can cry all you want, but not today. Repeat when you wake up. Remember him, quietly. Let his name out of your rigid spine. Let him be someone else’s. Oh God, there are train tracks in your chest. They are rattling constantly, but nothing ever comes. When did it all get so heavy? Don’t ask questions. Concentrate. It hurts so much, somedays you can’t talk. On a good day, you’d settle for his hands around your throat, as long as it leaves a bruise. This is how it goes. No moment of clarity, just trudging through the trenches with muddy boots. Keep going, keep going. Duck. Fire. Hide. One day, this will all be over, and you’ll go home. One day, a white flag, a train, a helicopter. A rescue team. One day, this will all be a distant memory. A scar you press your fingers to with a ghost of a smile across your solemn lips. It wasn’t for nothing. It wasn’t for nothing. You’re still alive.”—habits | Caitlyn S. (via alonesomes)
“I crave space. It charges my batteries. It helps me breathe. Being around people can be so exhausting, because most of them love to take and barely know how to give. Except for a rare few.”—Katie Kacvinsky, First Comes Love (via larmoyante)
It’s a little f-ed up how grown ups or even teenagers like you tell you to pick the course or profession that you really like and also that has your heart in but then tells you that you won’t be successful in the field you chose.
Thanks for the remarkable encouragement you are giving us. Hahahahahahahha
It’s so embarrassing when you backread someone’s blog and you’ve already liked most of the blogger’s post then you accidentally unfollow them and follow them again.
Ranting on a Monday morning is odd. Actually, no. I tend to rant all day school. What I meant to say was, ranting on tumblr. But meh.
“If you find someone who makes you smile, who checks up on you often to see if you’re okay. Who watches out for you and wants the best for you. Who loves and respects you. Don’t let them go. People like that are hard to find.”—Unknown (via jttlv)
“I’m just trying to connect with someone for an hour. People used to do that. It’s about community and interaction and helping people. People are designed to help other people. But we live in a culture where people are consumed by their own bullshit and they don’t think they have time to help other people.”—Marc Maron. (via thatkindofwoman)
You don’t have to get a job that makes others feel comfortable about what they perceive as your success. You don’t have to explain what you plan to do with your life. You don’t have to justify your education by demonstrating its financial rewards. You don’t have to maintain an impeccable credit score.
You have to pay your own electric bill. You have to be kind. You have to find people who love you truly and love them back with the same truth. But that’s all.
It’s been a while since I did something like this again. Thank you, Dane! ;)
Post the rules.
Answer the questions by the person who tagged you.
Write 11 questions by yourself.
Tag 11 people, link them in your post and tell them you tagged them.
1. Five random facts about yourself.
I love the smell of old books
I scroll through 9gag right before I go to sleep
I have a really bad posture
I can stay inside of the bookstore for an hour
I used to pronounce “Cartoon Network” as “Cartoon Wekwek.” I can’t even.
2. Do you enjoy watching movies alone?
- Yes, I do. I love the company of an awesome person, me.
3. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you live?
- I’d say NYC or Cali.
4. A thing that you want to do before you die?
- Pray that I don’t die.
5. Your biggest insecurity and fear.
Biggest insecurity would be having thunder tattoos under my belly and on my buttcheeks.
Biggest fear: To die in such a tragic way like being on a cruise ship and while drinking some fancy wine and shit, the captain didn’t see the ice berg and the ship sunk. It’s like Titanic all over again but this time I’ll call it Tampanic. (WTH TAM)
6. What do you like most about summer?
- Waking up at noon and not worrying about anything school related.
7. If you could be a character in a book you love, which book would it be?
- Will Grayson, Will Grayson. I want to be friends with Tiny Cooper.
8. How do you handle stress?
- What I do is I go to the bathroom, look at myself in the mirror, play the saddest song ever, cry so hard, play the most inspiring song I know, say “I WILL BE THE BEST” and then I go out of the bathroom and be weird and happy again.
9. What keeps you on going and fighting?
- My goals and the people around me who supports me in whatever I do.
10. Have you ever watched a NigaHiga video on Youtube? If yes, what’s your favorite video?
- I LOVE NIGAHIGA! So every video he ever did will probably be my favorite.
11. Your thoughts about self harm or suicide.
- It should never be a choice when all else fails.
My 11 Questions:
What was the scariest dream you ever had?
What’s the first thing you would do if you ever see your favorite singer, actor or band in front of your school?
If you were given the chance to be the president of the country for a day, will you grab the opportunity? Why or why not?
Thoughts about some college students who keeps saying that they’re not waterproof
Favorite line from a movie or book.
Roadtrip with friends or movie marathon with just yourself?
If you could have lunch with 5 people, dead or alive, who would it be?
Who has the greatest impact on your life?
If you could travel anywhere in the world, where would you go? And why?